Humor Archives

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport Office

Thursday, August 13th, 2009 at 9:23 am  
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Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin’ there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!  (fuckin’  morons)
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off! Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f—ing CHINA !!!

New Health Care

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 5:29 am  
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him,   ‘My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I’d better see a doctor.
Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.  ‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.  It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – A lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.  He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is  too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Today”s Lesson

Monday, March 10th, 2008 at 6:17 pm  
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In 1923, who was:
 1. President of the largest steel company?
 2. President of the largest gas company?
 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the world’s most
 successful of their day.  Now, 80 years later, the
 history book asks us, if we know what ultimately
 became of them.

 The answers:
 1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles
 Schwab, died a pauper.
 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward
 Hopson, went insane.
 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was
 released from prison to die at home.
 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died
 abroad, penniless.
 5. The president of the Bank of International
 Settlement, shot himself.
 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,
 also committed suicide.

 However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion,
 avid hunter and fisherman, and the winner of the most
 important golf tournament, the US
 Open, was Gene Sarazen.

 What became of him?

 He hunted until he was 90.  He played golf until he
 was 92, and he went fishing when he was 94.  He died
 in 1999 at the age of 95.  He was financially secure
 at the time of his death.

 The moral:
 Screw work.  Golf, hunt, and fish

Why Are Some Plants Called Weeds?

Monday, March 10th, 2008 at 6:14 pm  
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 That plant is a weed!
This may sound like two minutes with Andy Rooney but I just don’t agree with this term. If a plant looks pretty and it has some quality that makes it useful, then why is it a weed.What is a weed?

The chicory plant has a pretty little flower and some people use it to make tea. Isn’t the bright yellow flower of the dandelion similar to a marigold or some little yellow daisy? You can make wine from dandelions. That’s good isn’t it. What is grass? It just lays all over the place and looks plain old green. I guess cows can eat it. I don’t think it’s a weed but I think it acts like a weed. Grass tries to overpower everything else. If Creeping Charlie tries to do that, we call him a weed.

Do weeds have some exclusive property that we can use to seperate them from other plants? Are those other plants just “plants” or should we call them “non weeds”?

When my wife “weeds” the flower garden, she will constantly ask “is this a weed?” Does it really matter? My response is always the same. “If you like it – leave it there. If you don’t like it, pull it out.”

Milkweed – wow, poor plant got it right in the name. This plant with the fun little seedpod is home to the much admired Monarch Butterfly. The monarch needs this plant to survive. Children love to open the mature seed pod and blow the little parachutes all over the place. We are intent on eradicating it because it is a “weed”. I don’t know what makes it a weed.

There are some plants that I guess we would all can safely be called a weed. Poison Ivy comes to mind first. I can’t see anything good about this plant. This one can go away forever as far as I am concerned. A couple of good doses of this plant have it on “My weed list”.

There are some very interesting names for weeds. The mouse eared chickweed. Does this really sound like a weed” It sounds like something we should see on the farm. Another similar name is “lamb’s quarters”. It belongs to the “goosefoot family” It just does not sound like a weed. More farm type plants – try “field horsetail” and “wild oats”. Sounds like they should do well together.

Don’t forget the “european frogbit” Now you really must wonder about that name.

I like the masses of purple loosestrife I see growing in ditch banks but I guess it is a monster in disguise. It gets out of control and chokes out everything. Maybe that makes it a weed.

I guess St John’s Wort and Cypress Spurge don’t sound that good to me. Maybe I will add them to my weed list.

Now this one really makes me wonder. I looked up Common weeds of northern United states and Canada. Where is the thistle.

That mean bristly plant wasn’t to be found in the list of weeds. It must be a good plant I guess but I can’t imagine why.

I want to talk to the guy that made that list of weeds. I just don’t think he has it right!

I think I’m going to call Andy Rooney and see what he thinks of this whole weed deal. I bet he could provide a very interesting response.

For Gardening info please visit Houseplants and Gardening

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